Every man has a darker side- a shadow that follows behind us in the morn, and leads us in the eve. I'm a few months from closing the book on my twenties. I hope I'll recall them accurately in the future. It was a tumultuous, and yet carefree time. Or maybe all that chaos was because I just didn't give a damn. I don't remember feeling quite this way when I said goodbye to my teen years (at about age 22, 'cause I had to sober up a moment to say goodbye). It's not a melancholy feeling, this goodbye, there are few tears to shed for the old days, when today leaves me with a full heart and soul. No, more of a curious stare, a wonderment at the changes I've been through in this year-long eulogy for youth.
I fancied myself an activist when G.W. took office, but never really did much by way of it. Me and my friends would sit together and joke about the latest blunder, or mimic his 'Am I Idiot or Everyman' approach to problem-solving, but we never really DID anything. So now I'm watching and reading and I get this disheartened feeling as our government shifts from 'Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader' to 'Whose Pocket Are We In Anyways?'. I'm angry, unhappy with the way this country is being run, and like so many of my generation, ultimately as responsible for changing it as we were for allowing it to happen. And I have no fucking idea how to do it. Occupy seemed like a strong start, but to what end? We're already aware of the questions, but aside from some philosophic ideals we really have no clue how to operate the freight train we arrived here on.
I fell in, and out, of love in my twenties. I fully expect to spend a long while debating the validity of my emotions at the time, but there is no doubt that I was at least convinced I was in love. I got to climb as high as I'd dreamed, and though the fall was long and painful, I can't say it wasn't worth it. I gained a great deal of experience from it, and having recovered by now, what can I really say I lost except time? I was sure that by the time that ship sank, I'd turn into some kind of jaded asshole, and think that every woman thereafter was going to burn me just as badly. Except I don't think that, I'm still just as passionate as ever, and still a hopeless romantic. I can't in good conscience call that a loss.
On top of it all, I managed to eke out some semblance of success just before the decade's finish line. I have to say I cut it close, and though my life certainly hasn't begun at 29, it has finally begun to matter. The shadow that followed me, the darker side that feared the unknown so much as to stay behind me these years, is keeping pace in the mid-life sun. It is, after all, just as much a part of me as anything else. I look forward to the next decade, when my shadow will be even braver than I, and step out in front of me. Maybe I'll Occupy something, but I hope I'll do more than just Occupy. Because our goal now, as a nation, a generation, and individuals, is to put more into our space than we've taken out. All those precious free breaths we've been taking have their price, and though we may not have grown up in greatness, we've got a hell of an opportunity to attain it.
So I say goodbye to my twenties, it's been a tragic and beautiful affair, but I need to take advantage of the steady hand of age and experience before my chaotic nature dooms me to an equally chaotic existence. Assure your freedom, and the freedom of your fellow man, and from there, enjoy it with every fiber of your being. It is the greatest gift we have to give, and we need only believe it is there before it will manifest itself in our souls and we're left wondering how we ever settled for less. If we ever needed an 11th hour appeal, it is now, with so many of our rights and freedoms and dreams gathering dust while we rot away in front of a mostly imagined electronic audience. If we want to change the world, then we must understand that it is made up of seven billion of us, and start changing ourselves. I'll go first, and I know that at least my shadow will follow.
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