Undressing the Question

     I want to set a fire, just to watch it burn. I want to take a walk, without a destination. I want to sit atop a skyscraper, and draw all the things I can't see from there. I want to finish this book, and the ones I haven't started yet. I want to have a conversation, with someone I have yet to meet. I want to build worlds, and leave this one behind. I want to drive until the sun sets, and sit on the beach 'til it rises again. I want to sing the best I ever have, to an empty room. I want to share a poem, with those long gone. I want to cut my hair, or grow it back out again. I want to jump from a perfectly good airplane. I want to get another tarantula, one that's okay with sitting on my shoulder the way my last one did. I want to settle all my debts, and forgive all of theirs. I want someone to call, that I know won't. I want to get far enough from my past, that I can see my future. I want to bleed out some days, but I can't stand the thought of not living. I want to take my kids around the world, and stop wherever they find happiness. I want to create a legacy for them, because of anyone, they're the ones I want to look at me with pride. I want to teach my son how to love, and why he shouldn't hold back. I want a unique perspective, when I look in the mirror. I want someone to see me, and not just the world reflected in my eyes. I want to my daughter to know why I smile so much when she's with me. I want to have a drink with friends, to spill out our passion onto a world aching to breathe it in. I want the artists I know, the talents I behold in them, to be recognized and appreciated. I want to get forcibly deported, spark a revolution, and return with an army of dreams to the home we all deserve. I want to let go, almost as much as I want to hold on. I want to have hope, that eventually transitions to truth.

      I want to begin again, to find faith in those things I have lost faith in. I want to give in to temptation, sometimes. I want to be stronger than yesterday, without being so cold to those around me. I want to ask forgiveness from those who don't owe it to me. I want to be remembered for who I am. I want to wake up full of life, and sleep emptied of it. I want to take a deep breath and dive, without worrying if I'll surface again. I want to fight with everything I've got, and shake hands when it's done. I want to go to a concert, and hear something that moves me. I want to see this movie made, and congratulate all the players. I want to know someone who confounds me, that in time I could come to know more about the world than I do. I want to cut deep enough that you can see how similar we all are. I want to get lost at least once a week, someplace new. I want to learn a little about everything, and everything about a few things. I want to paint, without stressing my technical limitations. I want to play guitar, where no one else can hear me. I want to write a million pages, read by a million different people, one at a time. I want to be the reason someone smiles, and the reason someone fights. I want to be a shining light for those who need it, and a room full of shadows for those who just need someplace dark to go sometimes. I want to end my own life, but not before I've lived it. I want to embolden the anxious, and soften the edges of the overzealous.

I want to be free, to find a life worth chaining myself to.

I want to be me, and have a better idea what that means.

I want to listen to a good song in a dark room, with someone who would listen without me, but doesn't want to.

     I've got a long way to go, I know. Sometimes I want to travel that road alone, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want you to come close, sometimes I want you to just go. Sometimes I want to sit on the grass, and sometimes I'm more comfortable atop my throne. Sometimes I'm the strongest person I know, sometimes there's a weakness I don't show. Sometimes my faults shine through, like a light in a train tunnel, and sometimes there's nothing but stone walls and tracks. Sometimes I want to live in an altered state, sometimes I wouldn't change a damn thing. Sometimes I am all conviction, sometimes I can't seem to find my sentence. Sometimes I dream, sometimes I don't even sleep.

     I want the world to see what I see, and understand that this is just me.